Security and Love

In some ways, now is the best part of my life so far. Emotionally, I'm in a safe and secure place. I'd even go as far as to say this is the most stable I've ever been. So anyone who might think I'm a little on the nuts side, well, what you're seeing now is nothing,baby! So ok what's behind the stability produced by those feelings of safety and security? I think the big thing is feeling genuinely loved, not for the need I meet in someone else, but just truly cared for, nurtured, and protected. I think that's what I've unknowingly been looking for all my life. I didn't have that growing up. My parents were and continue to be two very broken and hurting people. They aren't evil monsters. Just two people who unexpectedly ended up with a child and were are unable to see past their own hurts and emotional dysfunctions well enough to properly nurture and raise a child or to relate in a healthy close way to an adult daughter. Do I still feel that pain? Yep. Do I choose to let it define me or cripple my life? No way. We all have our pains and challenges. We live in a fallen world. Even the young, rich, beautiful, talented, famous, brilliant, successful, healthy people experience yuck in their lives. I lived with a single mom with borderline personality disorder. And in case you don't know what that is, suffice it to say, it's a pretty pervasive mental illness that gives you a severely skewed perception of life in general and people in particular and pretty much keeps you a toddler emotionally while intellectually and physically you develop normally. So these people aren't particularly well suited to parenting. I existed to meet my mom's needs. (I still do.) I was aware even as a three year old that I was supposed to take care of her. She has always been very needy emotionally, and I was expected to meet those needs, and oh the tantrums and accusations and drama if I didn't...

But thankfully God is greater than my past! I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior when I was nine, but it wasn't until I became a mom that I really began to develop a closer relationship with Him and trust Him with my life. I still have a ways to go as far as letting go of some unhealthy mindsets, but I've come a long way from where I was in my twenties and thirties. I'm at the point now where, for the most part, I really do place my security in God rather than people, possessions, and circumstances. Not to say that those don't at times cause me heartache, frustration, and disappointment. But I'm determined by the grace of God (and maybe even a little red headed stubbornness) to refuse to let them utterly crush me.

And although my ultimate security is in God alone, I do concede that it helps to have an amazing husband. I know I'm very blessed to have this man. After nearly 25 years of marriage, I hold no illusions of him being perfect. I'm well aware of his shortcomings and he of mine. But God knew what He was doing when He put us together. Jim is so well suited to me. He's just the right combo of what I need and desire. Honestly, I don't think most men would be a good fit for me. I'm a little odd in some ways. Not cutting myself down, but I'm just sort of an unusual combination of traits. Like I'm kind of bookish and academic on some things but dumber than a rock on others. It's funny sometimes cuz people who know the ditzy side of me are pretty shocked when they find out I'm actually quite intelligent, and people who think I'm a brainiac can't believe some of the ordinary stuff I have trouble with. I'm very girly girl but not prissy or afraid of hard work. I'm usually super flexible and accommodating, yet I can also be very strong willed (Jim calls it stubborn. I prefer the term "tenacious") I love being around people, but I also enjoy time alone. Things that scare "normal" people don't bother me that much, but there are other things that are no big deal to 99.99 % of the world that I have huge struggles with. I love ballet and orchestra concerts but also am a fan of Tinkerbell and "You might be a redneck if...." jokes. I can be both highly emotional and precisely logical (though usually not at the same time). And these are just a few examples of my dichotomies. And yes, there are still some very tender and broken places within my soul. But somehow for some reason, Jim "gets" me (for the most part). He's the balance I need. He's pretty good at knowing when to give me space, when to come in close, when to intervene, when to comfort, and even when and how to confront cuz every once in a while I can be well... ya know, the "w" word. Wrong. And my natural, old patterns tend toward self destruct, so a passive hubby would be a VERY bad thing for me. But a Neanderthal, "Get me a sandwich, Wench! I'm the Master of the house. MUUUU HAHA!"would either rile me up to do the exact opposite or break my heart or maybe both. He might get the sandwich because God does tell wives we are to submit to our husbands, BUT it might end up on his head rather than a plate. Just saying. But Jim is neither a wuss nor a bully. Instead he's the warrior I need who comes alongside me and fights battles and makes it his priority to love and protect me. And yes, that may sound old fashioned, but newsflash, "I don't care!" My culture would not approve. Some of my liberal relatives would most likely not approve. Probably not Oprah either. But hey, I didn't ask them. I've finally figured out after knowing Jim for 26 years, that he loves me unconditionally and isn't going to abandon me even when I mess up. And yes, that helps me feel safe as well.

God fills the holes in my soul that were left empty during childhood because I wasn't emotionally nourished or protected or led in a healthy way. He does it through His Word and Spirit and time spent with Him, but He also often uses Jim, who himself depends on God, as the tangible human vessel through whom He ministers that fullness. It's still God who meets my needs, but what an awesome thing to know my husband loves me enough to be a conduit in that process. I am indeed a blessed woman. I am safe. I am secure. I am loved!